The Hilarious Euphemism Generator!
If you’re someone who’s written a short story or a novel, you’ve probably been there. Especially if there’s a romantic twist to your tale. It’s that moment when your lead characters are about to get intimate.
You have to write the sex scene.
Well, you don’t have to. You could do the old Dallas/Dynasty trick and show a passionate embrace followed by the camera panning away to the following morning. The following morning when the couple try to sit up in – or worse, get out of – the bed, whilst trying to keep the sheet strategically wrapped around the various bits and bobs.
As you do.
But, let’s face it, in the era of Fifty Shades of Gray, that’s not really going to cut it. So. You have to write a sex scene. A lot of people are okay with this. A lot of people are horrified by this. And the reason most are horrified is for one simple reason – they don’t know what to call the various body parts.
I come from the Henry Miller/James Joyce school of thinking on this. I say call a spade a spade and call a vajazzle a vajazzle. But some people just can’t bring themselves to do it. They invent euphemisms for the body parts. Yes, we’ve all read those books. And while they are usually unintentionally hilarious, they are hilarious nonetheless. Well, now there is something that does this intentionally.
It’s called The Euphemism Generator. And it’s, apparently, attributed to George Carlin. Which makes perfect sense.
And you don’t even have to enter text into the Generator – you can just hit the reload button and marvel at the wonderfully OTT euphemisms that they’ve dreamed up. Here’s a few examples.
The film shocked audiences nationwide with its frank depiction of two men avoiding the proverbial sausage.
Like most guys his age, he wasn’t above spinning the glistening weasel.
He spent every lunch hour at home, flustering the husky.
She seemed like a shy girl when they met, but a few drinks later, they were flossing the Mexican Roman goat.
The last time I had this much fun, I was throwing out the four-legged Hula-Hoop.
So, if you’re looking to waste an hour laughing your ass off, head over to The Euphemism Generator and hit that reload button.
Derek Flynn runs Writing.ie's SongBook blog, and is an Irish writer and musician. He has a Masters in Creative Writing from Trinity College, Dublin. He’s been published in a number of publications, including The Irish Times, and his fiction was featured in 'Surge', an anthology of new Irish writing published by O’ Brien Press with the aim of showcasing “the very best of the next generation of Irish authors”. Online he can be found at his writing/music blog – ‘Rant, with Occasional Music’ – and on Twitter as @derekf03