Giving Voice to the Silenced: David French on the writing of For Valerie: The story of my sister’s death at the hands of her husband and it’s devastating aftermath . . .
When my sister, Valerie, was murdered by her husband in 2019, our family was thrust into a world of grief and a complex legal aftermath. In the wake of this crime, I felt compelled to write something as a means of personal understanding and to shed light on the broader societal issues surrounding femicide. The result is a book called For Valerie, published by Gill Books, which is an account of Valerie’s life, her death, the death of our mother soon after, and a part of the journey our family has undertaken since.
One of the primary motivations for writing For Valerie was to challenge the silence that often surrounds domestic homicide. W.H. Auden wrote “Murder is unique in that it abolishes the party it injures, so that society must take the place of the victim, and on his behalf demand atonement or grant forgiveness.”. In Valerie’s case, her voice was silenced by her killer and society clearly does not take the place of the victim. The book is an attempt to provide some perspective for society and to put on record some part of her story.
The writing process was therapeutic and initially came from exploring the research around this area as we were sucked into dealing with a legal and childcare system that did not really acknowledge the crime in a practical sense. The most bizarre aspect is that despite murdering their mother, her husband james kilroy [lack of capitalisation is intentional] remains the legal guardian of her three sons. Since the verdict in July 2024 I have been campaigning for reform of the law in this area. That is called “Valerie’s Law” and progress is documented on my website at valerie.rip
For Valerie covers a wide range of topics, from the initial killing and the subsequent funeral to the inquest, trial, and the long-lasting aftermath. It also delves into the narratives that often emerge in the wake of such tragedies, the experiences of victims, and the role of men in addressing gender-based violence. True crime books often focus on finding the killer or uncovering their motivation. Most murders of women are different in that the killer is usually obvious (a partner, ex-partner or known male relative), is quickly apprehended and the motive is about control and entitlement.
I am not an expert in any relevant area such as law or social care and the first draft read more like a set of research notes documenting the situation as I found it. The manuscript ballooned to well over twice the typical book size of approximately 80,000 words. I cut it down and it ballooned straight up again. My first book Mefloquine Dream about a motorcycle journey in West Africa did not have this challenge.
For Valerie initially had multiple chapters on the legal context of the aftermath of a murder that didn’t make it into the final cut. Much of this was rather dry and of specialized interest for an audience tasked with improving the overall situation of men’s violence against women and girls. Ultimately, the book focuses on the personal, relatable aspects of the story. The many explicit recommendations that I came up with can go elsewhere, some have already fed into a government report on domestic homicide.
The working title for my manuscript was Silenced because of the way the system silenced us until the criminal verdict was delivered which echoed the way the killer had silenced Valerie. Jacqueline Connolly has also written a book on her sister’s murder and it really struck me when she told me the title would be Deadly Silence.
In looking at other crimes against women it was notable that the victims are all different but the perpetrators share many characteristics and the stories of these crimes have many many points of similarity. I incorporated the voices of other families affected by domestic homicide – Mary Coll, Frank Mullane, Luke and Ryan Hart, Amani Haydar, and others – to emphasize that Valerie’s murder was not an isolated incident but part of a much larger pattern. The idea was to tell some part of our story but also to show that this is simply one of dozens of similar stories that happen across Ireland, the UK and worldwide every year.
A challenge in writing this book was managing privacy and legal constraints, especially in light of ongoing legal actions. The threat of litigation significantly constrained what I could say. Much of what has happened since the murder has been omitted due to these concerns. The legal review of the book was very helpful in avoiding pitfalls in what I have said.
Some people would think there was a risk of increasing my trauma by revisiting the events surrounding Valerie’s death. We had three murder trials over five years and every week still has some reverberation of the crime. There is no revisiting, it is just always there. There is also a risk in not writing, both for myself and for others. Writing became a way of processing the trauma, attempting to understand it and extract meaning.
There is a need to listen to victims and their families. As Professor Jane Monckton Smith wrote, “We do need to listen to everyone – especially the victim… to identify risk factors, dangerous characteristics and those behaviours which may indicate escalation and dangerousness”. The voices of victims’ families are crucial in revealing the nature of control and abuse in a relationship.
I believe sharing my first-hand experience could help improve the response of the state and society to crimes of this sort. As Ida B. Wells-Barnett said, “The way to right wrongs is to turn the light of truth upon them”. For Valerie is an attempt to shine that light, to increase awareness of domestic violence, and to advocate for change. Unfortunately there are many recommendations following similar crimes which have not been enacted.
For Valerie is a personal story but it’s also a call to action. It’s a warning about the potential consequences of domestic homicide and a plea for societal change. I hope this book will serve as a reminder that femicide is not a one-off incident but a pervasive issue that demands our attention and action. By sharing Valerie’s story, I hope to contribute to a future where fewer women are silenced by violence, where society takes responsibility for preventing these tragedies from occurring and where the response when it does happen is based on a more informed understanding.
(c) David French
About For Valerie: The story of my sister’s death at the hands of her husband and it’s devastating aftermath
In June 2019, Valerie French Kilroy was brutally murdered by her husband at their home near Westport, while her three young sons lay in bed. She was the third woman to lose her life at the hands of a partner in Ireland that year. For her brother David and the rest of her family it was the beginning of a battle against a system unprepared to protect the three innocent children whose father remains their legal guardian, despite being convicted of their mother’s murder.
From the shock of hearing of his sister’s death and the immediate aftermath to the multiple criminal trials before the guilty verdict was delivered, David provides a unique insight into some of the issues faced by victim’s families in the aftermath of fatal domestic violence.
With every chapter, For Valerie confronts the darkest corners of grief, the love that endures beyond loss and the fierce determination of a family to preserve Valerie’s legacy. This is a tribute to her life, and a journey no reader will soon forget.
Order your copy online here.
And see here for David French talking about his previous book, Mefloquine Dream.
