Carmel Wynne tells us of her journey to the publication of Get Real! The Courage to Be Wrong and the Power to Change . . .
If you are an aspiring writer please don’t let yourself be put off by the statistic that there is only a one to two percent chance of success. Twelve different publishing houses rejected J.K. Rowling Harry Potter book.
Agents and publishers told author Olivia Goldsmith that no one was interested in reading about middle aged women who get dumped by their husbands. Her novel The First Wives Club received multiple rejections before it was published, and made into a film which became a box office success.
A Paid Hobby?
Writing for me was a paid hobby. For 30 years I wrote an opinion piece for the monthly magazine Reality. When the magazine ceased publication at the end of 2022 another magazine invited me to write a monthly column for them. I declined
Then I injured my knee. I walked with the aid of a stick and was physically limited in what I could do. For decades I had considered writing a self-help book based on how I worked with my coaching clients but it didn’t happen.
With my mobility restricted I had too much time and I decided that if I was every going to write, this was the time. Based on statistics the chances of getting my book published were slim. I could spend thousands of hours writing and not find a publisher or dumb my brain down by watching television.
A Saturated Market
The market is saturated with self-help books. Would people buy a book that did not give advice but challenged them to face up to facts that they might prefer not to know? The answer I came up with was maybe, if they gained new insights on how to reduce stress and gained other benefits.
The majority of writers don’t make money from writing a book. Yet those of us who have the writing bug put in the work to complete the short story or novel. I had no illusions about the hard work ahead. I started once I made the decision to give information that would empower people to have the courage to bring more of what they desired into their lives.
My Coaching Style
My coaching style is to ask the challenging questions that empower clients to see in a new way. When people have an insight that alters their thinking, they have a change of mind. Let me give you an example.
Drivers on a motorway who are in a hurry will shout at a slow driver to hurry up. People accept that this is normal behaviour, but is it? Does it make sense to blame someone you have never met for stressing you out? So why do it?
We do it because we have flawed beliefs that most of us have never questioned. If you tell a person how they act is illogical they will feel judged. If you invite them to discover that a slow driver bears no responsibility for the stress they feel, they are challenged to take responsibility for their own feelings.
I’ve worked with countless clients who say Yes when they would prefer to say No. There are always logical reasons for why people do what they do. To have clarity and understand why you do what you do offers insights that are confidence building.
A Heartfelt Thank You
Irish people are not comfortable being complimented. Rather than a heartfelt thank you they seem to think it appropriate to minimise. This old thing, I get it in a sale. People don’t know what they are not told.
I’ve worked with so many people who were horrified when they became aware of the unkind and critical judgements they made about themselves on a daily basis. Wrong beliefs about false modesty have done huge psychological damage.
A powerful tool for developing self-confidence and building self-worth is to pay attention to how you feel when you criticise yourself. To call yourself stupid is a put down that feeds into the belief that you are not good enough.
Every change is difficult in the beginning. If you substitute the words I want for I should, must, have to or ought to, you feel less stressed. If I tell myself I have to do something it feels like I have no choice. I am not in control and unconsciously I resent this. Saying I want to do something, even if I don’t particularly like what it is, feels lighter.
Nobody told us that communication is complex or taught us about the power of words. If I say I should be writing instead of watching television that’s a judgement, suggesting that my choice is not good enough.
What if you said I’m looking at a choice between two things I enjoy? ‘When there are competing commitments people choose the one they enjoy most. Television offers immediate pleasure. Writing gives delayed satisfaction. What would happen if you ask do I want pleasure now or satisfaction later?
Get Real: From Little Acorns . . .
My book Get Real evolved in a similar way to how this article has evolved. Examples of ways to reduce stress triggered new ideas and words built up. Just as oak trees from little acorns grow tiny little adjustment in a person’s thinking have the potential to make a huge difference in how they happy they feel.
Every client and every couple who work with a life coach have their own unique problems to resolve. Intimacy problems are a good indicator of the state of a couple’s partnership. The frequency of sex diminishes when a couple are not communicating.
When I submitted the manuscript of my book I gave the working title ‘Can you be happy if sex is gone’? I was informed that there wasn’t enough sex in the book to merit that title.
My publishers Mercier Press came up with two better suggestions both of which I loved. One was Get Real, The courage to be wrong and the power to change. The other title was How to be happy with or without a partner.
The title Get Real was chosen and the book is in the shops now.
(c) Carmel Wynne
About Get Real by Carmel Wynne:
Let’s face it – relationships are hard. In the beginning, it’s all fireworks and butterflies. Then life happens. Kids. Work. Bills. Exhaustion. And before you know it, you’re sharing a bed with someone who feels more like a roommate than a lover.
Carmel Wynne gets it. After twenty years helping real couples through real problems, she’s heard it all. In ‘Get Real,’ she cuts through the typical relationship advice fluff and tackles what’s really going on when partners drift apart.
This isn’t about grand romantic gestures or communication techniques that work in theory but fall apart by Tuesday. It’s about understanding the unspoken ‘psychological contract’ between you and your partner – all those expectations neither of you ever actually said out loud but still hold each other to.
This book is for you if:
- You have a decent relationship that’s lost its spark
- You lie in bed next to each other scrolling through phones instead of talking
- Sex has become a distant memory or an awkward obligation
- You’re too busy, too tired, or too uncomfortable to address what’s wrong
Through real stories from couples who’ve been there, practical exercises you’ll actually do, and straight talk about intimacy issues most books tiptoe around, Wynne shows you how to peel back the layers of resentment and reconnect with the person you fell for.
No fairy tales. No miracle cures. Just honest guidance for couples who want to feel close again. Whether you read it together or slip it on your partner’s nightstand with a few pages dog-eared, ‘Get Real’ gives you the tools to build the relationship you actually want, not the one you think you should have.
Your relationship deserves better than ‘fine.’ It deserves real.
Order your copy of Get Real online here.
And read more Meet the Author articles on Writing.ie here.
