Writing Out of the Shadows: When Your Memoir Means Reliving the Past
There is a strange moment when you decide to write a memoir. You open a blank page intending to tell your story and realise that, to write about the person you have become, you first have to meet the person you used to be.
For me, writing Out of the Shadows – meant returning to some of the most difficult periods of my life.
I wrote about painful family relationships involving my mother and stepfather, experiences that affected my confidence, self-worth and the way I viewed myself. Later, I found myself repeating some of those emotional patterns within an unhealthy relationship with a former partner.
There were experiences I had buried, others I had rationalised and some I had simply learned to live around. Then I decided to write a book about them.
Nobody prepares you for seeing a painful memory that has lived quietly inside your head suddenly appearing in black and white. Sometimes I would write a paragraph and stop. Sometimes one memory unlocked another. Occasionally I would think, Do I really want people to know this?
That is one of the hardest parts of a memoir. You aren’t creating fictional characters as you are the character. And it really did happen.
Personal Memoir: Why am I telling this story?
Before writing a personal memoir, ask yourself: Why am I telling this story?
For me, it wasn’t about revenge, blame or asking readers to feel sorry for me. I wanted to help someone else. I know what it feels like to lose yourself little by little and to believe that if you were quieter, kinder, more understanding or simply “better”, perhaps people would treat you differently.
I wanted someone experiencing their own darkness to read my book and think, If she found a way through, perhaps I can too.
For aspiring memoir writers, write down your reason for telling your story. When you reach the chapter you don’t want to write, return to it. Your “why” becomes your compass.
One of the most valuable lessons I learned was that honesty doesn’t mean including everything. Every painful memory doesn’t deserve a chapter. I began asking myself:
Does the reader need this to understand my journey?
This was particularly important when writing about family and relationships. It would have been easy for the book to become a list of everything other people had done wrong, but I didn’t want that.
I wanted to focus on my journey: what happened, how it affected me, what I learned and how I changed.
Memoir: Write the Truth – Then Give Yourself Space
Some chapters were much harder to write than others. There were days when I could write freely and others when a few paragraphs were enough. I learned to respect that.
If you are writing something deeply painful, you don’t have to force yourself through an entire chapter. Close the laptop. Go for a walk. Talk to someone you trust and come back when you are ready.
Don’t Judge the Person You Used to Be
With hindsight, it would be easy to ask: Why didn’t I recognise what was happening? Why did I tolerate certain behaviours? Why didn’t I walk away sooner?
But the woman writing the book knows how the story ends. The woman living it didn’t.
I had to write about my younger self with compassion rather than judgement.
Don’t Let the Darkness Become the Whole Story
Although Out of the Shadows contains painful experiences, I never wanted pain to have the final word, because it hasn’t had the final word in my life.
Spirituality and mediumship became important parts of my healing. Today I work as an evidential medium, spiritual teacher and a Reiki Master, helping others through grief, healing and spiritual development.
Learning to trust my intuition and connection with Spirit also helped teach me something I desperately needed, which was how to trust myself again.
Mediumship didn’t erase my past, and spiritual development doesn’t replace the practical work involved in healing. For me, it provided another way of understanding myself, life, loss, love and the unknown.
Memoir: Stop Trying to “Write Like a Writer”
My simplest advice to aspiring writers is to stop worrying about sounding like an author. Write as though you are talking to someone sitting opposite you. Tell them what happened, how it felt and what you understand now that you couldn’t understand then.
Don’t think, I have to write my entire life story. Think about one memory, one turning point, one lesson, one chapter at a time. Eventually those pieces become a book.
I survived. I changed. I healed. I learned boundaries, rediscovered my worth and stopped believing my past had the right to dictate my future.
Publishing something so personal was frightening. Yet something wonderful happened because readers began telling me their stories. They recognised pieces of their own lives within mine. That was when I understood why I had needed to write the book.
If you are sitting with a story you are frightened to tell, remember, you don’t have to tell everything, and you don’t have to write it all today.
But don’t underestimate the power of an honest story told for the right reasons.
Your past can be part of your book without becoming its ending.
And sometimes, when we find the courage to step out of our own shadows, we unknowingly leave a light on for somebody else.
(c) Nikki Laycy
https://www.ageofawakening.co.uk/
About Out of the Shadows -From Despair to Self-Acceptance and Love
My story recounts the profound personal journey I went on in my quest to become a spiritual medium. From a very young age, I faced significant challenges that tested my resilience and shaped my empathic abilities. These personal and emotional battles were not merely obstacles; they were crucibles that transformed my understanding of myself and the world around me.
For nearly four decades, I navigated through a myriad of life experiences—each one a stepping stone leading me closer to my true calling. This path was fraught with turmoil, yet it was also rich with lessons that deepened my connection to the spiritual realm. The struggles I endured were instrumental in honing my intuitive gifts and igniting in me a passion for helping others.
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